Beautiful view outside my NYC apartment window right now. And awesome, when you consider it. Don’t we all actually feel like the little tugboat?
The Comedian Who Changed My Life is a series where comics talk about, you guessed it, the comedian who changed their life.
This is Elayne Boosler and the comedian who changed my life was a great comic named Totie Fields even though I never met her. It was in the seventies and I was selling out all across the country and yet I could not get on the Tonight Show because Johnny hated women comics. And as good as I was they wouldn’t put me on and without it you couldn’t really get a raise in pay or get into Las Vegas or work the good jobs because it really was the only door open in show business in those days and it was closed to me and women. So, they did have guest hosts in those days and Helen Reddy was about to guest host. The LA times did a piece on new comedians and I was in it saying that ‘gee I can’t get on the tonight show.’ Totie Fields read it. She happened to be good friends with Helen Reddy. Helen read it and called Totie Fields and said ‘do you think I should put her on?’ Totie had never even seen me and said ‘I hear she’s great, put her on.” And she did put me on and it opened the door to every single thing in show business for me. So even though I had never even met Totie Fields, it was the most wonderful thing anyone could have done for a young comic.
Comedian, writer and activist Elayne Boosler is a comedy veteran who hasappeared on virtually every talk show ever on TV, has produced and written five one-hour Showtime comedy specials, and appeared on Politically Incorrect over thirty times. Her performances in the 80′s were groundbreaking for female comics and paved the way for many who have followed her and she continues to perform on stage and television. Boosler has upcoming appearances in Palm Beach, New York City, Pennsylvania and Maryland. You can get more dates and other information at ElayneBoosler.com and follow her on twitter @ElayneBoosler.
Read more Comedians talking about “The Comedian who Changed My Life” and find out who changed the lives of Artie Lange, David Steinberg, Robert Kelly, Jackie Martling, Michael Ian Black and Jim Florentine
“The names are, for the most part, ‘marketing gibberish’, being unhelpful, confusing and in some cases misleading.” Well I think our “Official Super Duper How Ya Doin? Alternating Breast and Testicle Squeeze On Even/Odd Years Plan” with a “ten thousand dollar deductible and all the street drugs you can find” is just perfect. Of course, substituting Selfies for X-Rays just doesn’t seem professional.
A new sweets shop is opening on Amsterdam Avenue (101st street). It covers all of the new buttons: “Gluten Free, Wheat Free, Soy Free, Refined Sugar Free, Low Fat, Mostly Organic, Made Fresh to Order, Vegan Available.” I handed them a twenty, they handed me three sesame seeds and blew some quinoa in my face..
NY Times: “N.S.A. Breached Chinese Servers Seen as Security Threat.” So that’s why my wonton soup never got to the table.
I still laugh when I think of this: Several years ago I hosted Mardi Gras for “The Travel Channel”. It was the most fun you could have. At the parades on live tv, I was asking people where they were from, getting the answers you’d expect; “Los Angeles, Ohio, Mississippi, Ocala, etc. etc.” And then I asked what looked to be a very sweet, earnest, eighty year old woman, where she was from. She leaned into the microphone and carefully said, “1621 Argyle Avenue, New Or…” I immediately cut her off. I still hold out the hope her house wasn’t robbed that day.
Slate Magazine. Very funny. The “Adele Dazeem” Name Generator. My travoltafied name is Yelaumey Beeker, a scrammedup carmelian from Borgen, New Yak. What’s yours?
I am my own hero. Maybe not this year, but in ten years I will be, wait.. no I won’t be, because then it will be ten years later and I’ll have to look east or west, or up or down, or over the rainbow, hey, who was that singing anyway? In conclusion, Charlie Laughton (Charlie??), and Charlie DeGaulle, and Charlie McCarthy (who never should have held those awful hearings) told me I should stop, and look around.. here comes your 19th nervous breakdown. I never look back, because Satchie Paige told me not to. I want to thank God for voting for me, and I think I’m ready for a sandwich now.
“Seth Rogen Publicly Shames Senators After They Walk Out On His Testimony.” Don’t judge them too harshly, they thought it was “Knocked Up”.
“A Michigan man accidentally shot himself to death on Monday while teaching his girlfriend about gun safety. He was attempting to demonstrate the safety of the “unloaded” handguns by holding them to his head and pulling the trigger.”
Now I can see why the NRA fights tooth and nail against gun safety.
Yesterday in Palm Beach, I made my pilgrimage to Carvel, my favorite ice cream on earth. I don’t live near a Carvel in L.A. or N.Y., so when I work in Florida I am totally, probably too, excited to get to go to Carvel. They make the famous “Brown Bonnet”, a cone dipped in warm chocolate that immediately hardens into a delicious shell. My problem is, I like the cone handed over in the seconds before the chocolate solidifies. It’s the most delicious thing on earth, and stays soft only a few seconds. For me, there is no comparison in nirvana between the soft warm chocolate on the vanilla Carvel, and the few seconds later when the shell hardens. The problem is, the ice cream can fall off the cone if they hand it over before it’s settled, so it takes a lot of persuading to get them to take the risk, dip it and immediately swoosh it over to me.
I always approach it the same way: I walk in, slap down a ten, tell them I need them to hand it over as soon as it’s dipped, the ten is theirs, and if it falls off I’ll pay for it and buy another try. They are always sweet young girls who of course give each other looks, but they’re always willing to try. So yesterday I walk in, slap down my ten, explain my urgent need, stock up on napkins as the young lady takes the vanilla cone over to the magical Brown Bonnet cauldron. As she does, five young women come into the store and wait their turn along the counter, looking at the ice creams and reading the menu. The girl dips the cone, but then loses her nerve. NO!!!!! She is standing there holding it, afraid to move as it might fall off. This was not our agreement and the chocolate is hardening. The chocolate is HARDENING!!!! Like the madwoman I am, I start screaming (I’m not proud) “Hand it over!!!! HAND IT OVER!!!!!” With that I hear things dropping next to me. I look over, and all five young ladies have dropped their purses and with looks of terror on their faces, have their hands up.
Fail: Texas GOP Candidate Accidentally Endorses Gay Marriage On Twitter
Texas state Sen. Dan Patrick (R) accidentally endorsed same-sex marriage in a tweet on Wednesday.
Patrick, who is running for lieutenant governor, intended to express his disapproval of a federal judge’s decision to strike down the state’s ban on gay marriage. Instead, Patrick defined marriage as between “ONE MAN & ONE MAN.”
He deleted the tweet with the typo and replaced it about 10 minutes later.
Yes, but not before taking his subconscious out for a lovely walk in the sunlight. :)
From my 95 year old friend @QuiltingMuriel, on twitter: “Arizona passed a bill allowing “religious” business owners 2 deny service 2 gay customers. I remember going thru something similar in 1930s Germany.”
Arizona just passed a bill allowing business owners to refuse service to homosexuals if homosexuality offends their religious beliefs. “I can’t hand a latte to a homosexual. Jesus never handed a latte to a homosexual”. – Arizona Resident
Sochi’s getting its money’s worth from that Slide Center track. Luges, toboggans, bobsleds, one man, two men, four women, one woman, skeletons, sleds. What’s next? I expect Moses to come washing down in a basket.
If I see one more person coming down that chute in the Sochi Sliding Center… I feel like I’ve been trapped in a funnel all week. Every day, one man, two men, on luges, on sleds, skeletons, bobsleds, backwards, forwards, three people, one woman, four men and two women, on a sled, in a honda, on a banana peel, head first, knees first, in a frying pan. They didn’t have to build anything else for the Olympics but that slide. Apparently, everyone has good toe point, and everyone hits the side on turn eleven. Can we move on now?
The co-pilot who hijacked his own plane today apparently held himself up last year and demanded his watch.
Today a plane was hijacked by its co-pilot. Talk about people unclear on the concept..
If they’d banned performance enhancing drugs in the music industry, no one would have written MacArthur Park.
“Slope Style” skiing was added to the Olympics in the 90′s. All those guys and women skiing backwards, flying off bannisters and slides, twirling, spinning, flipping and landing upside down? Those were the kids of everyone who dropped acid in the seventies.