They probably thought I had one because of this:
I still laugh when I think of this: Several years ago I hosted Mardi Gras for “The Travel Channel”. It was the most fun you could have. At the parades on live tv, I was asking people where they were from, getting the answers you’d expect; “Los Angeles, Ohio, Mississippi, Ocala, etc. etc.” And then I asked what looked to be a very sweet, earnest, eighty year old woman, where she was from. She leaned into the microphone and carefully said, “1621 Argyle Avenue, New Or…” I immediately cut her off. I still hold out the hope her house wasn’t robbed that day.
Slate Magazine. Very funny. The “Adele Dazeem” Name Generator. My travoltafied name is Yelaumey Beeker, a scrammedup carmelian from Borgen, New Yak. What’s yours?
I am my own hero. Maybe not this year, but in ten years I will be, wait.. no I won’t be, because then it will be ten years later and I’ll have to look east or west, or up or down, or over the rainbow, hey, who was that singing anyway? In conclusion, Charlie Laughton (Charlie??), and Charlie DeGaulle, and Charlie McCarthy (who never should have held those awful hearings) told me I should stop, and look around.. here comes your 19th nervous breakdown. I never look back, because Satchie Paige told me not to. I want to thank God for voting for me, and I think I’m ready for a sandwich now.
“Seth Rogen Publicly Shames Senators After They Walk Out On His Testimony.” Don’t judge them too harshly, they thought it was “Knocked Up”.
“A Michigan man accidentally shot himself to death on Monday while teaching his girlfriend about gun safety. He was attempting to demonstrate the safety of the “unloaded” handguns by holding them to his head and pulling the trigger.”
Now I can see why the NRA fights tooth and nail against gun safety.
Yesterday in Palm Beach, I made my pilgrimage to Carvel, my favorite ice cream on earth. I don’t live near a Carvel in L.A. or N.Y., so when I work in Florida I am totally, probably too, excited to get to go to Carvel. They make the famous “Brown Bonnet”, a cone dipped in warm chocolate that immediately hardens into a delicious shell. My problem is, I like the cone handed over in the seconds before the chocolate solidifies. It’s the most delicious thing on earth, and stays soft only a few seconds. For me, there is no comparison in nirvana between the soft warm chocolate on the vanilla Carvel, and the few seconds later when the shell hardens. The problem is, the ice cream can fall off the cone if they hand it over before it’s settled, so it takes a lot of persuading to get them to take the risk, dip it and immediately swoosh it over to me.
I always approach it the same way: I walk in, slap down a ten, tell them I need them to hand it over as soon as it’s dipped, the ten is theirs, and if it falls off I’ll pay for it and buy another try. They are always sweet young girls who of course give each other looks, but they’re always willing to try. So yesterday I walk in, slap down my ten, explain my urgent need, stock up on napkins as the young lady takes the vanilla cone over to the magical Brown Bonnet cauldron. As she does, five young women come into the store and wait their turn along the counter, looking at the ice creams and reading the menu. The girl dips the cone, but then loses her nerve. NO!!!!! She is standing there holding it, afraid to move as it might fall off. This was not our agreement and the chocolate is hardening. The chocolate is HARDENING!!!! Like the madwoman I am, I start screaming (I’m not proud) “Hand it over!!!! HAND IT OVER!!!!!” With that I hear things dropping next to me. I look over, and all five young ladies have dropped their purses and with looks of terror on their faces, have their hands up.
Fail: Texas GOP Candidate Accidentally Endorses Gay Marriage On Twitter
Texas state Sen. Dan Patrick (R) accidentally endorsed same-sex marriage in a tweet on Wednesday.
Patrick, who is running for lieutenant governor, intended to express his disapproval of a federal judge’s decision to strike down the state’s ban on gay marriage. Instead, Patrick defined marriage as between “ONE MAN & ONE MAN.”
He deleted the tweet with the typo and replaced it about 10 minutes later.
Yes, but not before taking his subconscious out for a lovely walk in the sunlight.